Feeling Alone in My Glass Box

For much of my life, I felt like I lived in a glass box. It was uniquely designed so I could see out, but others could not see in. I felt like a little girl with her nose pressed against the glass, peering into some magical candy shop at all the sweets I could not have. It felt painful to be surrounded by people and yet feel completely unseen and unheard from within my glass box. Some days I would pound on the glass pleading for help. I longed for someone to open the door that only had a handle on the outside. Eventually, the tiredness and pain from pounding on the glass would overcome my need for connection and I eventually just stopped trying.

I will admit that even today, I sometimes step back into the glass box believing I am alone and that no one will understand what I am going through. Or there is the familiar acquaintance I call shame that pops up and says I will never be good enough and do not belong. And if I were to be completely honest, after living in the glass box for so long, I became accustomed to it. I put up some nice decorations and began to see it as a place to stay safe. I’m sure there have even been times when someone tried to open the door and I did everything I could to keep it shut. Sounds a bit strange, I know, and yet it was easier to stay in familiar territory, even when miserable, then to step out into vulnerability and risk getting hurt.

Feeling alone for most of my life is one of the motivations that drove me to write this blog. It pains me to think there might be others trapped within their own glass box, pounding on the glass, pleading for someone to see their pain and hoping that someone will just open the door. If you are that person, please know you are not alone and that my wish is to open the door and invite you to come out. I want you to feel that you are seen and heard, and that you matter. And if that feels too scary in this moment, may I come and just sit in your box with you until you feel ready to step out on your own.

I wish there was a magical fix to destroy all glass boxes of feeling alone. The times I still get stuck in my box are because of false stories that I can only find strength when supported by others. I do truly believe we all need to feel connected and that leaning on someone for support can be effective and even necessary at times. I just get caught up in how I think people should respond and when they don’t, I feel even more alone and get lost in feelings of abandonment and hopelessness.

So, instead I am slowly learning how to turn within for the validation and support I often am seeking. I have come to understand that I can choose to place the handle on the inside and step out of that glass box whenever I want. I also have the power to choose not to step back into the box. I can even choose to take a sledgehammer and smash that glass box into pieces because as I come to know who I am, I know I have strength within and am no longer dependent on others to move towards the life I want to live. I also know that by no longer living in my glass box, I get the sacred opportunity of being able to help others live outside of theirs.