Living as a Chameleon

Have you ever received a comment, email, or text of someone giving you praise, and you find yourself going back to it several times for that quick boost to your self-esteem? Do you ever feel like you have multiple versions of you depending on which situation you might be in? Have you ever done something in hopes of getting validation only to be disappointed when it’s not received or you find that when it is, the “high” lasts for 5 seconds and you’re off to the next task in hopes of sparking more validation?

If you can say yes to any of these, you’re not alone. I am right there with you as I can say yes to all of them and admit that it was how I lived most of my life. As a chameleon changes colors to blend into its background for safety, I learned at a young age how to “change colors” by evaluating every situation I was in to determine who I should be to feel safe and/or get the validation I needed to confirm that I was a good person.

With practice, I became very good at living this way. I learned how to read all the facial cues or read between the lines of what someone might be saying, and I adapted to become the person I thought others would want me to be in any given situation. My main goal was to become perfect and do everything perfectly, or as close to perfect as I could get. It was quite exhausting, and yet I knew no other way to live.

As I share this, I feel sad knowing now that it wasn’t living. I was existing to please others so I could try and feel some control to stay safe. My outer world was chaotic and scary, so I turned inward to the only control I had—to adapt like the chameleon and change colors to blend into the background and be seen as little as possible. If I was to be seen, then it would be through perfection so I could get validation of my worth as a person.

While I may feel sadness, I also feel a lot of self-compassion with the understanding that this was something I learned to feel safe so I could survive. I don’t judge myself for it as it got me through some difficult times and my need to be perfect helped me to also succeed in school and my career—and that need for perfection also came with a price. I lost the sense of who I was and suffered in shame and fear that one day I would be discovered as a fraud and rejected by all who knew me.

Today I still struggle not to fall back into those old patterns. I believed for so long that my self-worth was determined by others that I still find myself doing things to be seen, to be validated that I do matter, and I get upset when that validation does not come. Fortunately, with time and practice in creating new neuro pathways, I am beginning to experience what it feels like when I validate myself from within. The way I do this is by choosing to live more authentically.

I have shed my chameleon skin and instead live more from my true nature, choosing to do things that are more aligned with who I already am and move me more towards the life I want to live. Somedays I still struggle not to return to my chameleon ways and when I do, I notice more how icky and suffocating it feels. So those days are becoming less because the more I live from my authentic being, the freer I feel to love myself just as I am.