Feeling Alone, but Not Without Strength

In my last post I talked about taking things one step at a time. At the time, I was feeling good about moving forward while trying to climb a mountain of overwhelm … and then I think the mountain collapsed on top of me.

I will admit that parts of me feel a bit hypocritical by talking about what works for me one moment and struggling to follow through with it the next. But isn’t that what living an authentic life looks like? Taking that one step forward, feeling like you get pushed five steps back, and then choosing to take another step forward?

This week I have become paralyzed with the overwhelm that I wrote about previously. The idea of trying to take even one step forward has felt quite daunting. So, I find myself contemplating what life looks like when feeling paralyzed and still choosing to live authentically.

If you haven’t been able to tell, I’ve been consumed with the notion of how alone I feel. There is truth to that as my support system is minimal and I’m required to make hard decisions on my own. That can feel painful and exhausting. But does that mean I am completely alone? Where might I be missing other areas of support?

As I was on my morning walk today, I noticed what appeared to be a family of geese. As the little ones pecked on the ground for food, the mama or papa stood watch. I found myself thinking how I long to feel watched over at times, to feel protected. I haven’t felt that way in a long time and it’s been hard.

Both of my parents have passed away, and it feels very painful at times not to have that kind of support. My mom was one who would’ve dropped everything just to listen to me share what was happening in my life.

I’m also single and, therefore, dependent on myself to survive and make the tough decisions in life. I manage to do okay and have been successful in many areas. But these past few months have highlighted for me how difficult and exhausting that truly feels.

I have especially felt abandoned by God. I know not everyone believes in God and I respect everyone’s beliefs. For me, God has often been a source of comfort in my life. But that sense of comfort has felt very distant for a long time. I feel like I have lost that feeling of safety in being watched over … and it has felt very isolating.

The truth is, I am still stuck in the belief of having to earn God’s love. So, I have twisted the feeling of being alone into not being worthy of His support. If I feel hurt or abandoned when others don’t respond the way I need, then somehow that’s a reflection of God’s love for me. He should just be able to control everyone else to meet my own needs.

A part of me feels quite embarrassed, even surprised, to say that last line and would like to delete it … but it’s one of my most honest truths that I wasn’t quite seeing until a recent conversation. I saw the absurdity in my thinking and added some compassion on top.

I often get lost in seeking the approval and love from others as a reflection of my worth. This then blocks me from looking toward the true sources of comfort and healing. For me, one source is a loving Heavenly Father. For you, your higher power may look different, or the idea of a higher power may not resonate with you. So, let’s not forget to look within. Yes, God is important in my life and so is my own true nature, my inner strength.

It’s easy to not recognize the strength we have within ourselves. When I look back at my life and see all that I have overcome, I can admit I’ve shown a lot of courage and resilience. Every time I’ve been ready to give up, I somehow find the strength to take another step. In doing so, I have learned so much about myself in the journey and the importance of choosing an authentic life.

On that note of inner strength and choosing authenticity, I have chosen to add another section to this blog called Lotus Moments. When writing these posts, I don’t always include the rawness of some truly difficult moments. I tend to add some polish when trying to package it into each post. It’s still authentic but makes it easier to put off writing when things are feeling extra difficult or to ignore the moments that feel a little less heavy.

So, in the coming days, you will see an additional page added to this blog under the title of Lotus Moments. It will be short excerpts capturing the moments that feel significant to share. I chose the lotus because it doesn’t bloom in spite of the mud—it blooms because of it. In some moments we draw nourishment from the mud, while in others we rise above it. In either case, we’re still the beautiful flower.

It’s also important to me to contrast the uplifting moments with the difficult, the light with the dark, the humor with the sadness. These Lotus Moments won’t be sent out individually like these posts are but will be available for anyone who wants to read them. If you choose to do so, hopefully you will recognize your own journey throughout and feel less alone while witnessing your own inner strength.

Because the truth is, we don’t have to figure everything out to move forward. Even while feeling trapped beneath the mountain of overwhelm, I can still share my truth. Believing that I can always look within and find my true nature and higher power, reminds me that none of us are truly alone. We each have a beautiful strength within. That truth helps me take one more step. Maybe that’s enough for today.