Feeling Stuck? Trusting the In-Between Space

I feel very alone and stuck right now. I’m like a caterpillar who decided she didn’t want to be a caterpillar anymore. So, she spun her chrysalis and got inside. At first it felt safe and cozy, but she didn’t realize how painful the process of change would feel. After what felt like an eternity, she wanted to emerge but became terrified she wouldn’t fit in with the other butterflies or find any that belonged to her tribe.

However, she knew she couldn’t stay as caterpillar mush as it wasn’t feeling natural anymore and she knew she couldn’t go back to being a caterpillar. But when she tried to emerge and felt the sun on her butterfly wing, she got scared and tried to stay in the chrysalis becoming trapped between two stages—half caterpillar mush and half butterfly.

To put it in real terms. I’m feeling trapped in a life where old patterns no longer serve me, but new patterns feel strange and scary. Although my new “wing” also feels alive, tingling with energy.

For example, I belong to a church I’ve always loved. I have also come to see how some of its teachings have hurt me and taught me shame. What once I thought was a refuge has become a place where I feel I don’t belong. But I stay because of my love for God and my belief in the fundamental truths of what is taught by well-intentioned people, while also feeling wrong for not agreeing with everything required.

Christmas is supposed to be a time of joy—I absolutely hate it. I’m told to focus on the true meaning of Christmas, the birth of Jesus Christ. Of course, that meaning feels beautiful and important to me. But it doesn’t wipe away the bad memories of an abusive time. It doesn’t ease the pain of feeling like I no longer have a family or never being a mom during what’s considered a time for families to get together and “rejoice.”

I feel lost in grief as I miss my own mom. Sometimes, I just want to talk about my struggles and what I’m learning. But I don’t feel like others feel comfortable talking about the “hard” stuff, except my awesome therapist. My mom would’ve loved talking about this journey. She always made me feel like I mattered. I miss and long for those types of honest discussions but instead I choose to isolate unsure if anyone would understand, afraid they’d just try to “fix” it.

At work, I know how to be effective and feel I am a good leader when choosing to be authentic. But I self-sabotage when things feel like they’re going too well. I’m much more comfortable feeling overwhelmed and being the martyr to make things easier for others. I seek approval that will validate me as a hard worker and then berate myself if I don’t measure up to what other people define as success.

My physical health is a mess. My body seems to be attacking itself and doctors can’t figure out why. I desire to take healthy steps that might help ease the constant pain and exhaustion a bit. But I continue to binge on junk food and avoid exercise. When I do eat better and start to lose weight, I panic and self-sabotage again because I consider my weight to be a protection to keep anyone from loving me.

I’m not sharing any of this for sympathy or as excuses to continue being miserable. I’m sharing it to describe what feeling stuck in this in-between space feels like for me and to say you’re not alone if you can relate to any of it. However, the reality is I’m more terrified of becoming unstuck, of becoming the whole butterfly that resides within because it’s such new territory for me that I feel has no predictability.

What if I lose the few relationships I have or still keep ones that aren’t healthy for me? What if I end up feeling that bigger life changes are needed? What if I fail or even scarier, what if I succeed? What if I do live an authentic life and it’s not what I imagined it would be? What if nothing changes? Will I still feel disconnected from God? What if I feel peace and happiness, and can no longer blame past experiences for my resistance to move forward? What will really happen if I just be myself and trust in the flow of life?

The scary part is I don’t have the answers to those questions—and that is also the exciting part. I know I can’t control or predict life now. But I know my misery well enough to have a good idea of what each day will look like. Fortunately, I’m so damn tired of feeling miserable. I’m choosing to create my own suffering by not trusting this in-between space to teach me what I long to understand.

It’s not that being a caterpillar is a bad thing or that becoming a butterfly is the ultimate goal. All of it is a journey that we choose to flow with or resist. Maybe being the painful caterpillar mush a little longer is okay as I continue to practice being present with what is here without needing to fix or change it. And maybe continuing to stretch my butterfly wing can give me more practice in being my true nature.

Is any of it easy? No, but it’s simpler than I tend to believe. I often choose to be angry because life isn’t what I want it to be when ultimately, it’s up to me to be my own creator. I can choose to flow with this in-between space, or I can choose to struggle against the ocean of awareness, my true nature. It reminds me of an experience I had while snorkeling and the lesson I learned watching the fish—but I’ll save that for a later post. 😊