The Suffocation of Depression

I want to get real about depression, especially my current battle with it. For many months (and past years), I have felt this heavy weight that feels suffocating at times. It’s as if I’m surrounded by a black sludge that fills the entire space I am in. Every step feels like I am trying to pull my foot out of a tar pit just to move it into another gooey black mess. I just feel exhausted all the time.

I have dealt with depression since I was at least 16. It ebbs and flows to where sometimes the black sludge becomes more of a mist and sometimes it has completely lifted for a time. But lately, it has felt difficult to even breathe or feel hope. I want to be completely honest here as I know I’m not the only one dealing with it. So, I will admit that in the darkest moments, both recent and in the past, the desire to end my life came very strongly. All I wanted was just to cease to exist.

Fortunately, I have amazing support from a psychologist who is helping me to work through it. I’m not sure I’d still be here without his help, not only because he’s trained to handle it, but because he has created a safe place where I can openly talk about it. After living with depression for most of my life, I have learned how to live life with it, but often with others unaware, because I felt like I had to hide it.

This is because when I’d try to get support from others, it often was unintentionally dismissed. I get it, depression, especially thoughts of suicide, can be very scary—not only for the person experiencing it but for those who interact with that person. Unless a person has been trained or gone through it themselves, it can feel too difficult to handle, and that’s okay to admit.

Depression is real and not something that can be changed only by positive thinking or by exercising faith in your higher power as some people like to believe. Depression can be triggered by trauma, loss of loved ones, or an imbalance of brain chemicals. For some it can be a lifetime affliction. Fortunately, there are avenues of healing with trained professionals such as medication, therapy, and sometimes hospitalization.

If you know someone dealing with depression, please don’t be afraid of it or them. The thing I have noticed is how often people expect me to ask for help when I am struggling. I understand why and I desperately want to ask for help. However, in those moments of deep despair, I just feel the void of darkness, and I can barely get out of bed. The thought of reaching out to someone feels nearly impossible.

So, sometimes we need to be willing to ask directly if someone is doing okay versus waiting for them to come to us. We can come to know signs of depression like isolating from others or less smiling. Maybe the light in their eyes seems different, that is if they look at you at all. But it’s important to know that sometimes there are no changes because that person is used to covering up their pain and feeling alone.

I’m guessing I’m not the only one who needs to know a person is willing to sit with me in the darkness before I feel safe to invite him or her to do so. When someone takes the time to really ask me questions, to directly ask if I am doing okay, I’m more likely to be honest about the depression and thoughts of suicide.

If someone tells you they are depressed or suicidal, it’s okay to admit you don’t know what to say—but please just say something and make sure they are safe and have the ongoing help they need. People need to know they are seen and that they matter. It can be the one ray of light that keeps them from giving up.

If you are one who is feeling depressed or suicidal and you don’t have the support system you need, there is still hope and resources. I know how painful life can feel and how much ending life can seem like the only escape. I know it may take every ounce of strength you have, but please don’t give up. There are people like me who understand and want to help—you are not alone and one day you will feel some light!

If you or someone needs help, click this link: https://988lifeline.org/