Rays of Light

I had to admit in a discussion the other day that I was sinking back into depression. For anyone who hasn’t experienced it themselves, let me just say it’s a pain in the ass. Everything feels like one more task to do as nothing provides any joy. It often feels like you’re surrounded by a dark cloud all the time.

I wrote extensively about depression in another post, so I won’t go into much detail here. But what I’ve really noticed lately is how heavy everything feels. My heart and soul feel heavy and so does my body to the point of wanting to stay in bed all day. So, I decided to instead try my morning walk at the park, which I’ve been avoiding. But it felt like each leg weighed 500 pounds and the walk was exhausting.

However, while I dragged my feet along the path, I looked at the sky over the mountains. There were beautiful colors, and I was in awe of the amazing rays of light streaming across the sky. This reminded me of another reference to awareness, our true nature. It is to imagine you’re the entire sky and all the emotions and challenges are just storms brewing in their own little portion of the sky.

I will say with depression, or any difficult experience, the dark clouds can feel like they take up the entire sky. It’s easy to feel endlessly spun around in a tornado with no ground beneath our feet. I realized this the other day when I finally admitted I was lost in my own storm system. I wasn’t coming back to my true nature and in some ways became the depression with little movement toward living an authentic life.

As all these thoughts were circling in my head, I just focused on the rays of light shooting out from the sun that was about to peak over the majestic mountains. It made me think of my current struggles and I wondered if there were rays of light in my own awareness that were trying to penetrate the darkness.   

I felt grateful as I thought about one individual in my life who manages to shine his amazing ray of light through my darkest clouds that feels the most impenetrable. I thought of other people who truly care and do their best to add their own rays of light, even when I try to block it. Even things that feel difficult often have their own rays of light through what I learn when living from a place of curiosity and authenticity.

However, I now find myself thinking about my relationship with God, my higher power. I will admit that I have been feeling doubts lately, wondering if He even exists. When lost in thoughts of wanting to end my life awhile back, I pleaded for His help—but the heavens felt silent. I decided if He did exist, I must not be good enough or worthy of His love to help me escape the terrifying darkness I was trapped in.

However, in thinking about the beautiful scene I witnessed this morning, maybe God is the sun that was peaking up over the mountains—the source that sends out the powerful rays of light. Maybe he sent that individual to save my life during these recent dark times by inspiring and supporting me to choose an authentic life. Maybe the others were sent to provide additional support during a time God knew I would close off my heart to Him to protect it. I truly am grateful to all those who have shined a ray of light in my life.

I certainly don’t have the answers but looking for the rays of light in my life, including the true source, gives me a different perspective. It doesn’t eliminate depression or difficulties, but it adds some space for moments to breathe in awareness. It helps me feel a bit more connected to my spiritual light and to maybe, just maybe, embrace the idea that the heavens haven’t been silent and have been trying to talk to me all this time.

So, I’m going to ask, do you have your own version of the sun, a higher power, that has sent rays of light into your own life? Maybe you are your own sun providing much needed light within. When life feels heavy, even dark, try to be the sky and look for the rays of light. Who knows, you also may be the ray of light shining for someone else who so desperately needs to know the darkness won’t last forever.