Did I Just Mess Everything Up by Saying No?

When saying no feels like a mistake and you’re not sure you got it right.

I was asked to commit to something recently, and I found myself saying no. This is unusual for me, as I tend to want to do what is considered right, and this type of ask is something I’ve always felt obligated to say yes to. But deep down, I knew saying yes would be too easy… too easy to fall back into putting on masks and pretending I was something I’m not.

In some ways, I felt a bit liberated… until I got home. Then the reality of what I had just done settled in, and the questions filled my mind.

Was I wrong to say no? Was this a way in which God was trying to bless me with a new opportunity? Did I just screw it all up and won’t get another chance later? Was that my one chance to do something right, and now I’m on my own?

At that point, I wasn’t so much bothered by saying no as I was by how much I struggled with wondering whether it was the right answer. I realized I was still caught in old thinking—that I will only be safe and accepted if I’m checking off all the approved boxes to determine whether I’m worthy of love and belonging.

In that moment, it felt like I was trapped on the game board of Chutes and Ladders. Not sure if you know the game, but it’s one where you move along a board trying to get to the top. Sometimes you land on squares with ladders that move you up, and other times you land on slides that send you back down.

I felt like I had just landed on one of those long slides—the kind that sends you all the way back to the beginning.

I have come a long way from not getting caught in this story nearly as much, but this experience pulled me down with surprising speed. Every time I think I’m about to break free from my past and all the stories still living within, something reaches up and pulls me back down. It’s quite annoying and exhausting, if I’m being honest… and now I just want to get out of the damn game.

I still haven’t quite made peace with all those disturbing questions, but something deeper in me responded in the way that felt right in that moment. Life has felt so difficult these past few months—dealing with memories from the past, health challenges that continue to plague me, overwhelm at work, and just doing my best not to give up.

And yet, alongside the difficulties, I can also feel that I am continuing to learn. I’m tapping into a part of my authentic self that, until now, has felt so unobtainable. I feel that by saying no, I was finally putting my needs first. That may sound selfish, as we’re taught that to feel better about our own lives, we need to serve others. I do believe that helps, but it can also be damaging when it comes at the expense of ourselves.

As they always say when taking off in an airplane, make sure to put your oxygen mask on first before you help someone else with theirs. I have spent most of my life helping others with their oxygen while I am quietly suffocating from depression, trauma, shame, anxiety, and fear, to name a few.

Have you ever felt this way? Do you ever struggle with saying no to something that you know could be helpful, but also may not be what you need right now? It can feel quite liberating to do so, and also scary at the same time.

I’m honestly not quite sure what I’m trying to convey in this post. I love this journey of choosing to live an authentic life… and it also can feel quite exhausting at times.

Really exhausting, if I’m being honest.

However, it is absolutely worth it.

I think what I’m trying to say is that life will often cause us to question our decisions or the direction we’re heading, but it doesn’t mean we have to stop moving forward.

Sometimes, moving forward doesn’t look like getting it right… it looks like beginning again, right where you are.