When Challenges Collide

Several years ago, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD). I honestly had no idea what it meant, and the name made me feel like I had a major defect. However, just like our physical health, it’s important to get help when struggling with our mental health so we can address it.

Fortunately, the diagnosis of BPD led me to dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) which started me on the path towards choosing an authentic life. A DBT therapist helped me understand that I had an emotionally sensitive brain. Basically, when triggered, my brain shoots into a higher crisis mode than someone not dealing with BPD. It then takes longer for my brain to regulate itself and come back to a calmer state.

When I learned this, it made so much sense as I finally understood why my moods felt so unpredictable and made me feel crazy at times. I just felt like I continually swung from one extreme to the other. Or I longed for connection, but every relationship felt unstable to where I would push people away. Yet, I constantly lived in fear of abandonment. I just felt absolutely alone and fundamentally flawed.

It’s important to note that there were other factors going on in my life that contributed to my feelings of craziness. But it wasn’t until I found out about BPD that I could start bringing some stability back to my life so I could deal with the trauma I experienced. So, I am very grateful for DBT because it gave me the skills to help my brain better regulate itself, in addition to other tools I’ll share later.

However, even with all the skills I’ve learned, I’m noticing one thing I still struggle with … wait, let me rephrase that … one of many things I still struggle with which is shame. At a very young age I had the unintentional installation of a shame filter in my head, which everything I hear still goes through. Add the collision of BPD on top of that and I’m a major shame magnet.

Both become even more challenging when they collide with incorrect spiritual beliefs, like thinking I must earn God’s love rather than just believing He loves me. It can feel impossible to earn love when you constantly feel like something is wrong with you or that you’ll never be enough.

While a part of me knows that belief is incorrect, it gets complicated with my shame filter. Often, I hear talks in church and others will say how uplifted they felt. While at the same time, I’m sifting through the self-doubts it fueled because it went through my shame filter first which was intensified by BPD. When others hear they are loved by God, I usually hear how I’m doing everything wrong.

I share this because I know I’m not the only one dealing with BPD, or a shame filter, or struggling with spiritual beliefs. The list is endless of all the various challenges people experience. This week has felt especially difficult as so many challenges have collided together. I’ve been trying to navigate a path that looks more like the one above from my morning walk versus a preferred smoother path.

Fortunately, with therapy and practice, I better recognize when my brain is triggered and the holes in my filter have become larger, allowing for more spiritual truths—but it’s still not easy. It can be quite frustrating because when I try to share my thoughts, I feel like I sound negative, and people just don’t know how to respond, or they unintentionally add to my shame by dismissing how I feel. It makes me feel very alone and I tend to withdraw.

However, I strangely feel the need to say that a part of me is grateful for my collision of challenges. It helps me to look at life differently. I now strive to choose my words more carefully knowing what might be triggering for those with their own shame filters, BPD, or a variety of other challenges. It also allows me to have more understanding and compassion for others and has created a desire to share my truths.

So, if you’re someone like me, dealing with the collision of life’s challenges, please know you are not alone. I wish I had the answer of how to remove the bumps, sometimes mountains, in your path—but it often comes with being human. Sometimes we can step over them and sometimes we trip and fall on our face. But with every new moment comes a new choice and a fresh start to choose an authentic life.