The Power of Grief

This is a difficult post to write as I am writing it just prior to the anniversary of my mom’s death and the birthday of my nephew who also died. These were two individuals I could be my authentic self with, and I loved them very much. The experiences with each of them are stories I’ll save for another day when I feel ready to honor the sacred journey I shared with them at the end of their lives.

However, today I want to talk about grief. I first felt grief from loss when I was 14 and my brother committed suicide. Then my dad died when I was 21. The best visual to describe my various experiences with grief is that of a black hole where all the light disappears, and there is no escape. Any moments of joy or peace get sucked into the darkness and you feel as if the dark void will be your life forever.

I do believe in life after death and that I will see loved ones again. However, even that knowledge can get swallowed up in the void of despair, or sometimes in my case, complete numbness. I always hated it when I’d hear the ineffective phrases like “at least they’re not suffering anymore” or “they’re in a better place.” Or you get those who don’t know what to do and so they just don’t say or do anything at all.

I remember after my nephew died just longing to hear the simple questions of “how are you” or “are you okay.” But for months, I found my heart hurting in the absence of those words. I felt completely alone. One day the pain felt so great that all I could do was let out a rageful scream while in my car as I felt like it was the only way to keep from imploding within grief’s black hole.

With time, the black hole began to shrink, and I moved out of the thick darkness that surrounded me. I started allowing myself to feel and move through the grief instead of avoiding or numbing it. I did this by talking to a trusted individual and learning how to be present with it through mindfulness. Eventually I became the ocean of awareness once again instead of drowning in the massive tsunamis of grief.

However, on anniversaries like these or the holidays where their presence is missed, I feel the gravitational pull back into that black void and once again feel the pain of grief. I guess that’s partly why I titled this post “The Power of Grief” because of how easily it can pull you back when you least expect it.

However, that isn’t the only power that grief holds. Being reminded of their loss this week, grief shows me how powerful my love was for my mom and nephew. On days when my heart aches, it also fills with love and beautiful memories of the times spent with them and the lessons learned in their presence. Grief shows us our bravery in choosing to love a person so deeply while knowing one day we might lose them.

Grief also gives us a deeper understanding and empathy to sit with those who have also been brave and now grieve over the loss of loved ones or challenges. So, while the power of grief may suck us back into that black hole at times, it also reminds us of the power of love that pulls us back out.

I just want to end by saying that grief can occur in many ways and not just over the death of loved ones. It could be divorce, loss of a job or friendships, struggles with physical and mental health, or a variety of challenges. In today’s environment, I feel like we are drowning in grief over so many uncertainties and disasters. So, if you are dealing with grief, in any form, please know that you are not alone.

I have found that grief is an all-encompassing emotion that resonates deep within the body, so please remember to take care of yourself. If you are caught in that dark void of grief’s black hole, please reach out for help, whether to others or God or whatever your higher power might be. That help may also come from the power that resides within your authentic self. I promise you that one day the light will shine again, even during the times of anniversaries or birthdays when your heart feels broken all over again.