Breaking the Shell that Hides the Real You

I had an interesting conversation earlier this week. It was probably one of the most honest and authentic discussions I’ve had. There wasn’t any profound wisdom conveyed or solution discovered to make all my problems go away. It was just honest and fun discussing topics that have always felt taboo and shame based if ever mentioned.

It was very enlightening to notice how my mood felt heavy and depressed going into the conversation and yet I came out of it feeling very light and cheerful. It made me long for more honest conversations without fearing that what I say may cause judgements or shame, whether intended or not.

During this discussion, I was asked if I felt I needed to keep my authentic self from being seen by others. Initially I said no. I felt that for the most part I was able to be more authentic. However, as this conversation continued, I realized how much I still feel the need to hide certain parts of me and how suffocated I have been feeling.

This isn’t because of anyone else. I appreciate the relationships I have in my life. I just fear there are parts of me that wouldn’t be accepted if I let them out. So, in some ways I still tend to live small. I dress in dark colors to avoid being seen. I binge on food to hide behind my weight. I stay quiet at certain gatherings. Basically, I have created this thick outer shell for protection, avoiding anything that might break it.

However, maybe that’s what I need—to start chipping away at the shell that often hides the real me. I’m miserable living a life in the shadows afraid to be seen and I also understand why I still do. After being deeply hurt so many times, why would I want to take more risks. So, for now I’m just going to see the hardened shell with compassion.

I know it’s going to take some time to fully break free, but this conversation created another crack. The interesting thing is that while the topic of this conversation may be seen as taboo by some, it didn’t feel like it was going against my values. It just felt honest to normalize thoughts and behaviors instead of condemning them.

I’m not saying that I need to have conversations like this with everyone. I’m most likely not going to have them at church or at work or probably with most of the people I know. I believe we can still be authentic while choosing when it’s context-appropriate to have certain discussions and with whom. But I’d rather it be my choice versus feeling like I must avoid doing so to continue hiding and stay safe.

So, what I took away from this conversation was to be more mindful of the intentions behind my choices. I don’t want to avoid saying or doing things out of fear of judgement. I can still be respectful of others’ values by choosing what to say or do around them. That is aligned with my values. I can also choose to be myself even if it means potential judgment. Being my true nature also aligns with my values.

I’m not sure what this all means for me quite yet … but it sounds kind of fun and scary to find out. 😊