Trying to Predict the Paths of Life

This past week has been a challenge, and I haven’t been in much of a mood to write. I’ve started a new approach in therapy called Internal Family Systems, to work on trauma from abuse. It is stirring up some intense emotions and so I turned to my default of numbing to avoid overwhelming the system. The problem is you can’t pick and choose what emotions to avoid feeling so you end up feeling nothing at all.

I was thinking about it this morning as I walked in an area with multiple paths that interconnect at various points. I don’t know about you, but when I go for a walk, I often wish I was the only one out there. Then I could avoid the awkwardness of passing someone wondering if I smile, say hello, or keep my head down. I have found everyone prefers different methods and so I try to match their preference.

This morning, I saw someone in the distance and tried to gauge what path they were going to take so I knew which way to turn in an upcoming intersection of paths. I know my walks would probably be more peaceful if I didn’t spend so much time trying to predict how to avoid others. I chuckled, knowing how ridiculous it was, and then admitted to myself how I do this in life.

At a young age, I took on the belief that if I always did my best to live a righteous life, to stay on the straight path, things would work out in the end. Unfortunately, I endured trauma early on in my life and it felt like mountains were dropping onto every path I tried to take. That’s when I learned how to dissociate and numb out feelings. I just buried it all deep within and tried to live a perfect life to avoid more pain.

Well, if any of you have tried to be perfect, you know how well that turns out. It’s impossible and exhausting. I have spent my entire life navigating multiples paths like I was this morning. Constantly looking ahead, trying to predetermine what people are going to do so I can make counter moves to avoid making them upset or to have any interaction at all. I became quite good at it while sacrificing my own true nature.

Church was my most difficult opponent. I struggled to navigate the spiritual paths because I was so caught up in trying to hide how tainted I felt. I was pretty sure I wasn’t worthy enough to even belong on any spiritual path. So, I often stepped off to find new paths that went against what I was taught. But it didn’t seem to matter what path I chose as I just felt completely lost and alone.

As I think about the paths I’ve been on, I realize how easy it is to get trapped into the belief that if I stay on the “correct” path, then life will work out as I want. Then when it doesn’t, I think something must be wrong with me or God abandoned me. But life really is a combination of twists and turns … and some paths get forced upon us due to the hurtful acts of others, or just the unpredictability of life itself.

This morning, I felt this unpredictability when it seemed like a lot more people were out. I have a tracker that shows my heart rate during exercise. I was very surprised to see that my heart rate was much higher at the beginning of my walk on a very even path than when I walked up a steep hill later. The difference at the beginning was having to pass several people because initially there wasn’t another path I could take.  

It’s crazy how much energy I have spent trying to choose paths to avoid discomfort or pain. I say that with compassion because it makes sense as to why I have lived that way. So, if you’re feeling any similarities to what I have described, then please give yourself some compassion as well. Most of the time we do things for a reason based on what we know. For me I was just trying to survive.

Fortunately, through better skills, I am learning how to choose more authentic paths. But it’s easy to slip back onto my previous paths where I feel more comfortable because it’s what I know. When I do, I get to choose if I stay on that path or choose a more authentic path, even if it means passing someone or experiencing something difficult along the way. So, whatever path you are on, please bring compassion with you—and remember, we’re all on this journey together. Who knows what beautiful connections we might make. 😊