Standing at the Door: Trauma, Healing, and Choosing the Pace

Several weeks ago, I was asked to return to a place that reminded me of a time filled with trauma. I became filled with panic and was surprised at how quickly the nightmares started. I found myself experiencing sleep paralysis, which can be very unnerving if you don’t understand what’s going on. It’s like your brain wakes up before your body does, and some invisible pressure is weighing you down.

It’s partly why I haven’t posted for a while—I felt overwhelmed. It was as if a door had been pushed open before I was ready to stand at the threshold. Now the door feels stuck, and I’m unable to fully close myself off from a time when life felt too unbearable to live. It was during that time that I started cutting myself, often resulting in 30 cuts per arm. It was when I was hospitalized for being suicidal.

It was also a time when things at home felt unsafe. A time when I tried to ask for help but felt dismissed. A time when I realized I was on my own, with no one to save me from the hell I felt trapped in. A time when I felt completely unseen. So yes, I will admit that this request stirred up anger when I was told it was a good thing. It’s difficult to feel that way when the ground has just collapsed beneath your feet.

I’m not blaming anyone for that, as I do understand why decisions were made. But it doesn’t change the chaos that followed. I feared falling back into old patterns, or that people I knew wouldn’t see how much I’ve changed. Or what if they did—and didn’t like who I really am? I felt transported back to a time when all I wanted was someone to truly see me, the real me, and realize that I was not okay.

However, I am slowly accepting what’s here and taking small steps forward. Fortunately, there aren’t monsters waiting to eat me—only inner wounding that needs care. I see how disconnected I have been from my own body. I feel the challenges of functioning with a dysregulated nervous system. But more importantly, I’m realizing that everything I keep searching for is already contained within.

Standing at the door has created space to pause and decide what is best for me—not in a self-centered way, but in a compassionate and wise-minded way that allows me to understand things differently. I am continuing to make choices that feel aligned with my true nature instead of trying to be who I thought everyone else wanted me to be.

I find myself wanting to write more, to share some wise words. But I think this is all I have right now. The biggest change that has developed over the last several weeks is a deep compassion toward myself. Compassion for the little girl wounded long ago. For the teenager who felt abandoned and alone. For all the other parts of me who have done their best to help me survive.

So, I will end this post by saying that if you are reading this, I hope you too can feel compassion for yourself. You are amazing just as you are. There is nothing to fix or change. You will always be enough. If there is anything you are searching for, may I suggest turning inward and noticing the unopened doors within—and choosing, when you’re ready, to take a peek.

For me, it’s enough to stand at this threshold and remember that I get to choose the pace.

More to come …