Trusting the Mud

Well … it’s been a while since I posted. I’ve had some health challenges that I could use as a legitimate excuse. However, the real reason I haven’t posted is because I got lost for a time on this journey of choosing an authentic life.

I’m not sure at what point this happened, but I became trapped once again in trying to live the life I think everyone else wants me to live. I didn’t have time to write because I started wasting time on choosing what masks to wear. It’s such a crazy thing because I’m usually miserable when caught in this trap. Yet, I find it so easy to slip back into it any time I start to move toward the life I want to live.

I could go on about the many reasons why I slip back. But I feel the main reason is because it feels safe, it’s what I know. In some ways it’s even predictable or feels like I’m more in control. Whereas living a more authentic life is unknown. It’s turning every corner unaware of what might be there to greet you—it honestly terrifies me not to know what lies ahead.

Therefore, as I’ve been pondering on whether to post again, I find myself with the same fears and desires to do it perfectly. Or to have my worthiness validated by the number of readers, or lack thereof. I’m even noticing now the desire to write something that is polished and wise. I want to end with just the right summary to wrap it up neatly with a bow.

However, none of that is what this post will be. It probably will be disjointed and may not even have any significance to you. But I’m also hoping you may be able to relate on some level to these moments in life where everything just feels messy and happiness feels unobtainable. Yet something inside feels curious and wants to see where the journey will go.

I’ve loved everything I’ve written so far, and it’s been my truth. But I realized I’ve been leaving out an element of the journey towards choosing an authentic life. I haven’t been sharing in real time how muddy this path feels for me. I’ve been afraid to share the truth of some experiences to avoid being too vulnerable or being judged or saying something that might not be agreeable with everyone.

But I’m learning to trust the mud as it’s where real learning occurs and it’s at the heart of why I wanted to write this blog. So, I want to include more of those daily choices or the challenges that may arise in trying to do so. I honestly have no idea where this path will take me. Sometimes the idea of being authentic paralyzes me and yet there is this tiny little part within that feels a little excitement.

I hope you will continue this journey with me. If not, that is absolutely okay, and I wish you the best on your own journey towards living as your true nature. If you choose to continue, then welcome as I would love the company. Please know, if ever you feel compelled to share your own experiences, I would love to hear about them. We’re not meant to do this journey alone.

Now I just have to find the courage to avoid my tendency of re-reading this 100 times and spending the next hour trying to make it perfect. I am going to leave it as is and offer some self-compassion to that perfectionist part of me who is freaking out. 😉