Removing the Masks

A few weeks ago, I got a new tattoo. For the longest time I believed tattoos were wrong based on teachings in my church. However, I didn’t get my first tattoo to be rebellious or because of some inner crisis. I wanted something beautiful placed over my physical scars from many years of self-harm. So, I chose a lotus flower to represent how beauty can bloom from the mud.

I thought that would be my only tattoo until I realized how symbolic and beautiful they can be. I found myself fascinated by other people’s tattoos and why they chose what they did. Before I knew it, I had a tattoo representing my warrior spirit, another to honor loved ones who died, and my most recent to reflect this journey of choosing an authentic life.

The new tattoo I chose depicts a woman removing her mask. For most of my life I have lived behind masks which I explain why in my post, Living as a Chameleon. Recently, I could just feel the heaviness of carrying around a bag full of masks to choose from at any given moment. Some represent the perfectionist, the rule follower, the spiritual church goer, the diligent worker, the shameful addict, the depressed soul, and the girl in the glass box to name just a few.

I will be the first one to admit how difficult it is to remove the masks, especially when we aren’t even aware that we’re wearing them or if they’ve served as a protection for most of our lives. Even now, I still get trapped under several before noticing I put them on. But the more I become aware of them, the quicker I am able to notice and take it off.

While on a recent walk, I found myself thinking how critical it is that I remove my masks before posting to this blog. I have no idea if anyone will read this blog or if it will just become an online journal. Regardless, I want what I write to be my authentic truth. It’s not always easy as I’ve noticed a tendency to put on my perfectionist mask. That part of me will get lost in editing a post to be what I think people want to hear or to get some kudos for a job well done.

There is also the desire to make it perfect by trying to wrap up each message to leave you and me with a positive feeling or a formal conclusion of what I learned. But life experiences can’t always be wrapped up in a nice little package. I can’t blame that perfectionist part of me because it helped me to survive—it just now gets in the way at times in choosing an authentic life.

So, it’s important to check in with myself and ensure all masks are removed before writing. Life is messy and just feels shitty at times and it’s important to validate that truth. But it’s not always easy as even now I find myself wanting to reword that last sentence because words like shitty were never allowed in my vocabulary growing up. But my authentic self now allows it as sometimes colorful language is the only way to truly convey how I feel.

I can’t get much more authentic than that—and don’t worry, the colorful language won’t get crazy. It is funny to notice the desire even now to find the perfect words for a final paragraph to best sum up this post. So, guess what, I’m just going to end it here feeling like I have chosen to be true to myself, and that is enough. I will leave it up to you to create your own summary and ask yourself, do you want to remove your own masks? I’m guessing there will be more to come on this topic.