Unexpected “Explosions” in Life

About a month ago, I thought I’d go to the park early before it got too busy or hot. I gathered my stuff, hopped into my car, and felt relaxed as I drove down the street. Then unexpectedly, I saw a power transformer explode with sparks flying everywhere and a big puff of smoke. Then, within seconds, another power transformer exploded, and I wondered if I should stop or quickly drive past them.

I was alarmed to see a small brush fire ignite below and eventually help arrived to put out the fire. But at that point, my feeling of serenity was also extinguished. I thought about the unexpected explosions that occur in life, much like the depression I was currently dealing with to the point of wanting to end my life. But lately I have been feeling a bit lighter, even hopeful the suffocating darkness might finally lift.

Then an unexpected explosion occurred this week while working with past trauma. Much like the exploding transformers, sparks flew, and a fire ignited filling my soul with dark smoke. My thoughts that there is something wrong with me, that I am alone, and the ache of a life not lived returned and the flames have been spreading. Side note, binging on food doesn’t work to put out internal flames. 😉

Have you experienced these unexpected “explosions” in your life? Sometimes they are small and sometimes they are like massive fireballs. It might ignite anxiety, grief, rage, fear, abandonment, shame, and sadness to name a few. Sometimes we have resources to extinguish the flames quickly and sometimes the flames become a raging fire that burns for days, weeks, and even years.

I find myself wanting to become a firefighter to provide answers on how to put out the flames. But I’m struggling to put out my own fire within. I do believe there isn’t just one way to extinguish a fire—and sometimes we must first look to see what is fueling it. For me it’s a feeling of sadness and anger for many years lost in pain and shame from being hurt by others and trying to be what others told me to be.  

I do think sometimes we can become too quick in trying to put out the fire and forget to address the embers below that continue to burn. If the root cause is not addressed, we risk more flareups. As I mentioned earlier, I’ve been trying to use food to suffocate the feelings I don’t want to feel. If I binge and make myself feel sick, then that’s all I feel—not the aching heart within.

Honestly, I wonder if healing would occur more if I allowed myself to let the fires effectively burn for a time—to feel the emotions and allow them a voice until there is no more fuel. Or sometimes, like with grief, I’m not sure if the fire ever fully goes out, just simmers for a time until another spark ignites it.

I know that eventually this fire within will burn out. But I must first be willing to walk through the fire. It’s not easy as I’d rather grab a fire extinguisher, like food, to avoid feeling the pain. But this current explosion has continual flare ups because I continually turn to ineffective behaviors to put out the flames. So, maybe it’s time to let this pain become like the waves of the ocean and add healing water to the smoldering embers.

One way is to remember that I am not alone even when it feels that way. We are all part of an amazing network of souls who continue to persevere and do our best. We silently send support and love, adding our own water to the depths of every soul. Much like a new forest grows and thrives after being burned, our internal fire can create new growth, and we will once again thrive with new life, even more beautiful than before.