Exposing Shame to the Light

It’s taken a while to post about my experiences with shame, the belief that something is wrong with me. It’s not because I’m afraid to talk about it but because it’s also a topic most people don’t want to discuss. It can be painful, uncomfortable, and just the mention of it can be triggering. I was triggered today during an honest, internal exploration, as I realized how young I was when I felt the beginning pain of shame.  

There’s an aspect about my experience with shame that I want to share but don’t want it to be interpreted as being negative about religious teachings because I still value much of what I learned. As a child, I experienced trauma which I believe is when the downward spiral of shame began. However, it didn’t end there as the shame was fueled unintentionally through religious lessons I was taught.

When teaching religious concepts, especially about following guidelines to remain worthy of certain blessings, a door can open that can lets in shame if a person is already questioning their self-worth. No one intends to open the door on purpose. Many probably don’t even know it’s a possibility, especially when conveying spiritual truths that are intended to bring us closer to God, or our higher power.

What complicates things for some individuals is often they don’t even recognize when they step through the door and take up residence in their shame stories. I know I didn’t but can now see that I did at a very young age. Some of the lessons, and even simple songs about God and families, just created conflict within me because they didn’t match the experience I was going through.

With all the conflict and mixed messages, I started to believe there must be something wrong with me. Church was supposed to feel safe, peaceful, spiritual, etc. and everyone else appeared to be so happy, yet I felt none of those things. I still attended, and I did my best to stay faithful to the teachings taught. But at the same time, I just knew I would never be enough or worthy of God’s love.

I do not believe this is confined to any one religion, nor to religion itself. Even in normal conversations I have felt the daggers of shame as innocent comments are made. The reality is we can’t control thoughts of shame from being triggered but we can choose how to respond. We can also be more conscious about the words we say to others, including ourselves, and not be afraid to talk about shame when it does get triggered.

The more I talk about my own shame, the less power it has over me. It has also helped me to become more aware of its trickery. Now I see shame quicker and can make choices not to listen to its lies. It also helps me be more sensitive to what topics might open that door to shame, especially at church, so I can do what I can to quickly close it before I go through or unknowingly invite others to step through.

As I look back now, my heart aches with the pain of seeing how many years were lost living in this shame, this belief that something is wrong with me. I know no one ever intentionally meant to trigger or fuel it for me. Shame also takes on a life of its own and doesn’t always need others to help. I just know that I am not the only one who has walked through the door of shame—and many still reside there.

So, if you reside in your own shame stories, please know you are not alone—there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. If the shame you feel doesn’t allow you to believe that right now, that’s okay, just please don’t give up. I hope you’ll continue with me on our journeys of living an authentic life, exposing shame to the light. Then one day you can come to believe there is nothing broken within and know that you are amazing just as you are.