The Art of Listening versus Fixing

Recently a friend of mine asked if we could talk. We connected virtually and when I saw her, I knew she was struggling. She related the situation through tears, and I did my best to listen. However, when she finished, I went into my typical “fix it” mode.

Do you ever do that? Someone relays a challenging experience, and you want to try and make it better for them? I think it’s a natural tendency to want to help and alleviate someone’s suffering. It doesn’t make it wrong, but the question I must ask myself is … what do they need most in this moment? I know when someone tries to fix more than listen, I often end up just shutting down and stopping the conversation.

As I started to share what I thought she should do or try to offer an explanation why the other person said what he did, something didn’t feel right. I could sense from her body language that it wasn’t what she needed. So, I stopped what I was saying and just expressed how painful her experience must have been and wanted to validate the difficulty she was going through and that the emotions she felt made sense.

It was interesting to notice the shift in energy with that simple, yet needed, validation of her painful experience. It then became a conversation about what she wanted to do versus me trying to tell her what to do. The reality is, I certainly don’t have all the answers. I just have an ego that likes to pretend I do.

I would like to say that all my conversations go this way but that would be a big fat lie. One of the things I struggle with is to just sit and listen without formulating in my mind what I’m going to say next—while they’re still talking. It’s the worst feeling when I realize I haven’t even been paying attention and have no idea what they just said.

I will say, the last year of my mom’s life was a time I truly focused on listening and letting go of the fixer mentality. My mom had Alzheimer’s and while I understood she might forget who I was, I wasn’t prepared for her to lose the ability to communicate.

My mom was the most excellent example for me of one who listened. We had a rocky relationship but there were times in my life where I would call her many times a week just to talk. She would listen and validate everything I was saying and made me feel like I was the most important person in that moment—although I know I was her favorite daughter, so it wasn’t difficult to feel that way. 😉

So, during that last year when she could no longer carry on a conversation, my listening skills went into high gear. When she talked, I wanted to know what she was saying. One time when I was leaving, I gave her a kiss and said I would be back tomorrow. She thought for a moment and replied with, “well I can’t think of anything worse.” I just burst out laughing as I knew it wasn’t really her saying that.

I’ll never forget an especially hard day. I just felt separate from everyone and wondered if I belonged anywhere. So, I took my mom for a walk and as I pushed her along, I found myself expressing the challenges of my day as tears streamed down my face. I don’t know how much she could understand, but she just kept nodding her head when I asked if she knew what it felt like. I felt truly felt loved in that moment without her saying a word.

I wasn’t intending to talk about my mom, but she came to mind when I thought about the gift of listening. I learned so much from her that last year of her life, mostly through just being present with her and letting go of the need to “fix” her or the situation. I miss her very much and would give anything just to be able to talk to her. I am so grateful for her example of how to truly listen without trying to fix things.

I want to be more like my mom and let my ears perk up to focus on listening versus fixing. We all just want to feel heard and validated, which often gives us the courage to continue the journey toward the life we want to live.