Breaking Free from the Wackadoo Game of Life

Several months ago, I decided it was time to officially be diagnosed as a wackadoo. It’s my term for a person whose thoughts get all whacky making the same ineffective choices. My ego then tries to pull others into the craziness so that I can feel seen and validated. However, after a conversation or text, I usually realize how idiotic I was. Then I find myself doing it all over again with no escape. 

It made me think how life can feel like playing a game. There are squares to land on filled with things like shame, pride, fear, or envy. Other squares are more valuable, such as a job promotion, owning a nice house, or even praise from others. These types of squares allow the player to move ahead. However, a misfortunate roll of the dice means going backwards and falling behind the pack.   

In life, just like a game, it is easy to feel trapped by the unpredictable roll of the dice. We try to move forward before someone speeds past to snatch the prize. For me, one prize is self-worth. But seeking it from outside sources makes it feel like I’m never enough. So, I work harder and longer trying to get ahead. Then I find myself filled with anxiety and shame that I become too paralyzed to move.

Also, like most games, the original rules get lost or are too difficult to understand. So, I look to others to tell me how to play while inadvertently inviting others to place their game piece on the board. The insanity continues as self-worth is targeted, and truth becomes the casualty. The perceived winner may receive a false sense of self-worth while the losers now add another reason to their long list of poor attributes.

Can you relate to these wackadoo games of life? Have you ever played or been stuck in one yourself? If you have, you are not alone. It’s nothing to be ashamed of or to pass judgment on yourself or anyone else. It really is a part of being human and having an ego that is all about self-preservation. But does that mean we have to keep our game piece on the wackadoo board?

I ask this because I find myself in a current wackadoo game. Constantly seeking validation from others or turning into an angry player who just wants to knock everyone’s piece off the board. It makes me feel insane as I regret texts I send or not feeling like myself when I interact with others. It just stirs up frustration and shame.

Even with this blog, I was stepping back into the game, focusing on what others might think. The number of subscribers meant the higher number on the dice to move towards the winning spot. I felt authentic in my writings, but my intention felt off. I didn’t want to share my truth as I didn’t want people to ask about it or risk judgment. I’ve often been the only piece on the board, feeling alone, that I forgot how to play with others, to have real connection.

So, I wonder what it might feel like to break free, to step off the game board altogether. I’ve played wackadoo games for a very long time and I know how the game works. I’ve learned all the tips and tricks to feel somewhat successful. I’ve even become good at reading other players so I can change course to ensure victory. So, to step off the game feels scary and very unpredictable.

However, through mindfulness practices, I can see the game board more clearly and I am realizing how much I hate playing by everyone else’s rules. I understand why the wackadoo game makes me feel crazy because there is no possibility to win. It doesn’t allow me to be my authentic self. All I do is continually choose the piece in the game that conforms to what everyone else wants.

Therefore, I am now exploring the outer edges of the game. With practice, I am taking steps off the board to see what life feels like outside of the game. Each time I do, more learning occurs. I am beginning to create my own set of rules which is really living by my own set of values. The values that align with my true nature.

The truth is, I am so tired of playing this stupid game. I don’t want to feel confined to the limits that I think are imposed by others. The limits that are also imposed by my own insecurities or need to conform. When it comes to this blog, I want to write from a place that doesn’t exist on the board, to explore a new path, to choose a new map.

For me, I feel balanced when I follow my one and only true compass. It will always lead me to my true north which is my authentic self. This is a new path for me that makes me nervous and I’m sure I’ll cling to the wackadoo game many more times. So, I choose to also practice loving acceptance of that wackadoo part of me. Then, when ready, I’ll step off the board once more to continue choosing an authentic life.