Shedding the Masks that No Longer Fit

I had all these thoughts about what to write and now that I’m sitting here, nothing comes to mind. There is a part of me that doesn’t want to write about the difficult experiences and yet I feel like they’re probably the most important ones to share. When I started this journey of choosing an authentic life, I had a much different vision of how things would go.

Finding my true nature was going to lead to happier times, and I hoped that life would feel easier. I’ve always lived by the mantra … “If I can just ____” then things will be better. If I can just get this big project done, I won’t feel so stressed. If I can just stop binging on sweets, I’ll feel better about myself. But there is always another “If I can just ___” around every corner.

I knew this journey of choosing an authentic life would mean letting go of my mantra which is hard for me. It almost feels easier to focus on that ideal future believing once it arrives, everything will be better—but so far it never seems to arrive. It also keeps me distracted from living and enjoying the present moment, even when those moments are difficult and painful.  

I also knew this journey would involve removing the different masks I wore for most of my life. But I didn’t know how much I would miss the masks. Or that I would put the masks in a bag that I could carry with me ready to put them on in an instant. In some ways, I think I still hold onto them as a safety net.

However, I’m noticing a much different feeling when I put on any mask. Now I know when I’m wearing one and it’s not as comfortable as it used to be. It feels awkward and I act differently than before. It’s almost as if with each mask comes different emotions like resentment, anger, or sadness.

It’s like I’m trying to squeeze into a favorite outfit that no longer fits. So instead of feeling good in it like I used to, I now feel confined and very uncomfortable. I’m annoyed with myself for even wearing it and I become grumpy because I feel so self-conscious. However, I’m stuck in it until I can get home to change and feel resentful toward anyone wearing a cute outfit that fits them as it should.

I have no idea if any of this makes sense or if you can relate in any way. I tried to explain this feeling to someone earlier and kept getting frustrated as I couldn’t quite find the right words. I just know that I am very tired of trying to fit into masks that no longer fit. I almost turn into the opposite of my true nature because I know I’m wearing a mask and I am angry that I feel obligated to wear it.

However, that feeling of obligation to keep wearing masks is internal. No one is telling me to put them on—it comes from a place of fear and loneliness. I still wear masks to cling to the life I know. It feels safer and limits disruptions to relationships. Because the odd thing about it is when I’m not wearing a mask, when I’m living as my true nature, I feel more isolated. It was not a feeling I expected would happen but can be a reality of this journey.

In all honesty, sometimes I ask myself why I wanted to go down this path. It has disrupted the flow of my life in many ways. That’s because it has shattered all the illusions that I thought were real. However, I do feel with time that this journey will balance out. Like today I was listening to a recording of teachings by Alan Watts on being enough and at that moment, I felt like I was more than enough.

It was a strange feeling when I’ve lived my life believing there was something wrong with me. I have a vast assortment of masks to wear that define myself as never being good enough. But today, I shed those masks for a moment and knew that my true nature, my authentic self, is always here. I am always the ocean of awareness. I am the vast sky. I am the flow of energy that permeates everything around me. How could that ever not be enough.

I’ve gone on a tangent here and my thought is to go back and fix it. But I think I’m going to leave this as is. I also could go on and on as I feel like I am all over the map right now, including even stepping off the pre-defined map which is freaking out parts of me. I feel sad, angry, hurt and I also feel freer the more that I follow my intuition and make decisions based on what feels right for me. More to come. 😊