Authenticity is Trusting Your Own Current

I recently was reminded of a time when I went snorkeling in Hawaii. This was many years ago when life was still being lived with masks and honestly felt a bit simpler. I love being on an ocean beach but have always been apprehensive of getting into the water. I have an extreme fear of dying in any way where I can’t get air—so a fear of drowning is high on the list.

However, the first time I tried snorkeling, it reminded me of meditation. Hearing my breathing and feeling the soothing water helped my fear subside. Don’t get me wrong, I was still afraid of being pulled out into the middle of the ocean or getting eaten by sharks. So, I always made sure I stayed close to the shore and that someone else was out further to become the shark’s first snack.

I was initially disappointed as it didn’t look like the movies I saw with bright colored fish and coral. That is until a boat took me further out from shore to a crater of an extinct volcano. When I got into the water and looked down, the ocean floor came alive for me. However, it wasn’t super relaxing as I felt I had to swim in place to keep the waves and ocean current from dragging me elsewhere or pushing me into rocks.

That is until I noticed the fish weren’t struggling against the current. They floated to the right and then to the left and somehow knew how to swim with the current. So, I followed their lead and stopped struggling. I relaxed my movements and surprisingly wasn’t dragged anywhere I didn’t want to go. I marveled at how peaceful everything felt, and the details of the ocean floor became more vivid.

I bring this up because I’ve been thinking a lot about flow and struggle. I mentioned previously that I hate Christmas. I know it can be a wonderful time as can other religious holidays that occur this time of year. However, for many individuals, holidays are painful and sometimes bring out the worst in people.    

For me, Christmas reminds me of painful experiences. Some I remember and some have been partially blocked by my mind to protect me—but the body remembers. It makes me feel a little crazy when out of the blue I can’t breathe while looking at Christmas lights. Just mentioning it makes my leg bounce rapidly like the body is prepping to escape. So, every year I hunker down wishing for December to pass quickly.

This year feels especially hard for many reasons including my choice to keep distant from my family while doing trauma work in therapy. It has stirred up a lot of buried emotions as if I’m caught in the riptides of past trauma. I’m afraid if I don’t struggle against the current, then I will be dragged down to the depths of the ocean or devoured by the proverbial shark.

Even simple tasks feel monumental, and I often feel frozen in place. That was my experience earlier today. I couldn’t focus and I felt extremely agitated. I just wanted to crawl back into bed and not wake up until next year. However, I noticed my true nature within encouraging me not to give into the feeling of misery or terror—to trust in my own current of life.

So, I made a choice to take a breath and started focusing on one moment at a time. Did my day turn out great? Not really, but that wasn’t the end goal. Instead, I noticed how the energy of struggle shifted more to flow and I was more present and kinder in my interactions with others and toward myself.

This goes back to my observance about the fish and how they didn’t just give up and stop swimming. I saw how their fins were flapping as if they knew how to trust and connect to the current to help them move in the direction they wanted to go.

So, as Christmas grows near, I get to choose if I trust in my own currents of life. I can hate Christmas while finding ways to enjoy it on my own terms. It might include tears from painful emotions—and that’s okay. It wasn’t until I ventured away from the safety of the beach that I saw the vivid color of the ocean floor.

I can allow every thought and emotion to be here while noticing the moments where there is space for self-care. In theory it sounds great and I know it can feel difficult in the moment. But that’s what living authentically is all about … to continually explore and trust the energy that is always flowing around us. That ability to trust in my own current is the gift I want to give myself this Christmas.