Finding Wisdom in Life’s Storms

There is a deep sadness that resides within today that I can’t adequately explain. I think part of it is the residual emotions left over from the holidays and the dread of having to get back to a regular schedule and interact with the world again. I look forward to it on one hand and have also enjoyed not having a timetable to follow. However, it has also meant mornings spent longer in bed trying to avoid the world.

This sadness also comes from wondering how my life might have been different had I not experienced certain traumas at a young age or been taught incomplete truths. I feel like most of my life has been lived in darkness that snuffed out the light any time it tried to shine in. There were moments in life when the darkness lifted but it never seemed to last long.

Tonight, I was reading through different excerpts from journals I wrote long ago and found tears streaming down my face. I wept for those past versions of me who felt so lost and alone and for the parts of me who still do even now. I grieved for the parts of me that were exiled because the memories and emotions were too difficult to reveal.

I came across one entry I found interesting because I could relate to those feelings now and could write a similar entry today. I thought I’d share it with you here in case you can relate.

June 22, 2009: “As I sit on the patio and watch the flashes of lightning in the sky and hear the angry cracks of thunder, I can’t help but feel a similar storm raging within. As I write, the sky gets darker, the wind howls through the trees, and the rain splashes down. On another day I may feel the need to retreat to the safety of indoors but at this moment, I feel calm and at one with the storm.

I no longer want to pretend that I am not suffering inside. At times the sun comes out, and I do shine, but at other times my heart breaks. This storm that rages gives me a sense of feeling alive just as the storm inside. Sometimes, like the thunder that crashes through the sky, I want to shout how alone I feel. I feel trapped in my mind and body so scared of being hurt that I cut myself off from everyone.

As I sit here now, wet from the splashing rain, I hear the angry thunder and wish I could respond. I feel like I continue to fail and wonder if life will ever hold lasting peace. What seems black and white to many is a mixture of gray to me. I know the difference between right and wrong but sometimes the wrong is all I can identify with, my harbor in the storm. It’s not easy to wipe away years of believing you’re worthless.

The truth is, I know who I am and I know I am of worth. I think that is the hardest part and where my storms begin. People may see my storms as mistakes, depression, or bad choices. Often, I am left to deal with them alone. But as I hear sirens rushing to deal with the aftermath of this storm, I want to help people in the midst of their own storms. 

I have come to learn from my own furies of trial and sin that it is possible to receive nourishment to the soul like the rain nourishes the ground. From that rain springs beautiful flowers and fruit. But if left alone, the weeds will sprout overtaking the garden. I know I have beautiful flowers growing from my many storms and I want to help people see the beautiful gardens growing within them.”

While I can still relate to much of what I wrote, especially feeling alone, the difference is I can now be the spacious sky observing the storm instead of getting lost in it. This allows for more wisdom to create a diverse garden where both weeds and flowers live in a more harmonious way.

I can’t say whether my life might have been different had certain storms not occurred and I can grieve for those past and current versions of me who suffered greatly and felt alone. I also know getting lost in the “what if” only adds more suffering. What I do know is that I wouldn’t give up the beautiful garden I have created, the wisdom I have gained, because of those storms. I now get to choose how to cultivate my garden with each new moment.