When Life Feels Out of Control: Learning Self-Compassion

It feels difficult to explain the kind of mood I have been in lately. Sleep seems to be a challenge, as I am writing this post at 1:00 a.m., unable to sleep. I feel restless and exhausted at the same time, as if my mind and body are wrestling with each other.

I often feel paralyzed to move forward. When my nervous system can’t handle one more thing, it shuts my body down.

I wrote recently about dealing with reminders of past trauma and feeling overwhelmed by life. In addition to all that, it feels like everywhere I turn there is some sort of disaster or news reminding me of how unpredictable life can be. I recently learned someone I knew died as the result of an unexpected fall. Not only was I sad to hear the news, but it also added to the angst of life feeling out of control and unsafe.

Do you resonate with this feeling of angst? I’m guessing I’m not the only one feeling this way. The world feels like it’s in chaos right now, and I get nervous reading the news wondering what’s coming next. For someone who likes to feel in control, everything feels completely out of control. I’ve come to learn that I have a very dysregulated nervous system. It’s been under constant stress and hypervigilance for so long that it doesn’t take much to shut me down.

Sitting at work today, as the constant requests kept coming in, I struggled to even think clearly. My body felt exhausted, and every part of me was saying, “Nope, not today.” It gets frustrating when this happens, as I don’t even feel in control of my own body. Not fully knowing why, my body seems to be attacking itself, creating all sorts of physical ailments, and I’m just along for the ride. I have spent many moments pleading with it to do what I need, only to be met with silence.

I wasn’t sure what I was going to write about as I started this post. I certainly don’t have the answers to life’s challenges, and I can’t control life or what other people do… trust me, I have tried to do so many times before. 😉

I think it’s partly why I struggle to feel any sense of safety, because I have been deeply hurt, even traumatized, by someone I loved. So, if I couldn’t prevent that from happening, how can I guarantee myself any safety in the world today?

What’s surprising me is the solution that comes to mind.

The only response I have right now is the need for more self-compassion.

When my nervous system shuts down at work, I find myself acting like I am its coach, trying to motivate it for the next big fight. Then I get frustrated and angry with myself when nothing happens, which only reinforces the shutdown.

It’s only recently that I have changed tactics and turned to more self-compassion. Instead of trying to demand or coax myself into doing whatever task is before me, I meet the experience with curiosity and understanding. I remind myself that I’m going through a lot of difficult stuff right now. So, it makes sense why the nervous system would choose to shut down, because it doesn’t have any more capacity to hold anything else.

Sometimes the compassion is simply asking for five minutes of focus time and seeing where it goes from there. I’ve practiced that at work, but I didn’t realize that sometimes that same self-care is needed in my personal life as well.

This past weekend, I felt too exhausted to do anything. I felt frustrated and completely alone in trying to face the challenges before me. I also felt more fear than usual, knowing I can’t always prevent bad things from happening.

Did I meet those feelings with compassion? Nope. I mostly felt discouraged and lazy.

It wasn’t until Sunday evening that I opened myself up to more understanding.

I reminded myself that my nervous system doesn’t have much energy. That it shuts down to protect me, not frustrate me. I know I may sound crazy, talking about my body like it’s its own entity. I guess in some ways it is. Or at least it helps to see it that way and accept what is calling for my attention—what parts of me need compassion and care.

So, I may not be able to solve the problems of the world, but I can extend compassion to the challenges of my own inner world. I find that the more compassion I extend, the more capable I feel to do the things before me. It doesn’t mean I don’t still have my fears or the desire to feel more in control. It just means having the ability to work in harmony with my body instead of trying to force it into submission.

Maybe safety doesn’t come from controlling the world around me, but from learning how to meet my own experience with compassion.