The Illusion of Control

Do you ever feel overwhelmed to the point of feeling paralyzed to do anything? But then you become more overwhelmed because you’re not accomplishing anything to reduce the overwhelm? It’s a crazy cycle I now find myself in for certain aspects of my life. Sometimes I start wishing to live on a deserted island with no responsibilities or obligations and no need to make decisions or answer questions.

I wonder if feeling overwhelmed correlates with my need for control. A lot of the ineffective behaviors I adapted to survive had an element of trying to provide some form of control. With self-harm, it allowed me to control the pain. My perfectionism reduced harsh criticism or punishment. I also do what I call a “pre-emptive strike” where I back off from people first if there’s any perceived threat of abandonment.

Probably one of the biggest ways I tried to feel in control was to blame myself for bad things happening to me, especially when hurt by others. If it was my fault, if I was bad, that meant all I had to do was change me or my behaviors, and I wouldn’t be hurt further. Of course, that belief was false, but it helped me feel a sense of control that helped me feel safe when I was far from safe if that makes any sense.

The truth is, I often fall victim to the illusion of control. There are areas of life I can control, like what I’ll wear for the day or what I’ll eat or other areas. But the reality is, I can’t control everything, especially not other people. I know because I have tried, many, many times bewildered why they won’t do things the way I think they should. 😉

I always cringe when I hear people pass judgement, especially in a purity sense, and say that someone just needs to control his or her thoughts. If I say don’t think of a green elephant, did you think of a green elephant? If not, I’d like to know your secret. My thoughts have a mind of their own and the more I try to control them the more they get out of control.

However, what I can control is how I choose to respond to my thoughts, when living from a more authentic space. This in turn can redirect them. This is an important concept for me when it comes to feeling overwhelmed. I become stuck in overwhelm when that is all I focus on. Then I make things worse when I get lost in the need to control all the variables trying to reduce the overwhelm.

I certainly don’t have the exact answers to fix this, not sure there are any specific answers because right there is my desire to figure out how to control the situation to fix it. So, for today, I am going to acknowledge the feelings of overwhelm, practice being the sparkling ocean of awareness, and dive under the waves to see what emotions or thoughts might be underneath. Then I’m going to take one breath, one small task at a time.