The Complexities of Anger

Have you felt love so deeply that there are no words to express it and at the same time feel such anger over thoughts of feeling abandoned or hurt? I am hesitant to share this post because it involves sharing about my relationship with God which is sacred to me. I understand that some of you may not believe in God. You may believe in a different higher power or none at all, which I completely respect. But I think we can all relate to relationships where love and anger both exist.

My love for God has filled the deepest part of my soul for as long as I can remember and I have felt His love returned in numerous ways. I have also felt anger towards God, sometimes even rage. This anger is fueled by questions like why He didn’t stop bad things from happening or allowed loved ones to die? Why do the heavens feel silent during some of my toughest times? After trying to follow God’s direction and attend church for most of my life, why have I been plagued by shame, depression, fear, etc.

Each of those questions have been difficult to answer and have stirred up anger on multiple occasions, including recently. It’s been difficult wondering if some concepts had been taught differently in church, would I have felt less shame. Would I have instead felt worthy of love and belonging to be more open to relationships? Or what if others had rescued me from the difficulties I was experiencing growing up? Would, I not have felt so alone and unworthy of God’s love?

These questions aren’t to put blame on anyone, not even God. Nor can I say my life would be any better had things gone differently. Unfortunately, I learned to fear anger as my dad did not know how to handle his. So, I buried my anger within and became a volcano capable of erupting when the pressure grew too intense. Unfortunately, this has caused me to hurt others in more subtle ways, especially myself as I turned to addictions and self-harm.

To be honest, I’m finding this post isn’t going the way I wanted. I was hoping that expressing the anger would make it go away. I don’t know why bad things happen or why some who have been a support seemed to have faded into the background. A part of me wants to erupt and seek vengeance by somehow letting God and others know how much I am suffering. It feels unfair that life didn’t turn out the way I wanted when I did my best to follow all the rules and do what God wanted me to do.

However, I know focusing on all of that only makes me suffer more. There are other ways to release the pressure without suppressing the anger. I experienced this by expressing my current anger to a very trusted and compassionate therapist which allowed for beauty to exist alongside the anger. Had I not done so, I do think this post would be entirely different with no learning involved.

The truth is, when it comes to my anger, I choose to hold onto it because it keeps me from feeling the deep hurt that lies beneath. I feel pain from bad things I experienced, or loved ones I lost, or feeling abandoned because help did not come as I hoped. I feel pain from the desires of life that went unfulfilled. So, it just feels easier to be angry—and yet I only prolong the pain and add suffering on top.

So, I guess what I want to share with you here is that anger is okay to feel and express wisely. It’s not about trying to make it go away but asking it to move to the side to explore what’s underneath. Or maybe ask what message the anger is trying to convey. For me, I know that my anger can be a form of protection.

The point is, we get to choose if we allow anger to be in control. Instead, we can wisely acknowledge the anger and honor whatever is asking to be witnessed. By doing so, we can then choose to live an authentic life in this moment and the many moments to come. For me, that also means trusting in the love I have for God and knowing that even when I do get angry, His love for me, and you, will never change.